GULLIBEA (A Greek Travesty)

SYNOPSIS:

Gullibea is a Greek princess in love with Prince Finagleas of Rhodes from whom she expects a proposal of marriage. When her best friend, Veracia, warns her that Finagleas may have other plans, the naïve Gullibea becomes enraged and turns on her friend. Egged on by Finagleas, she decides to punish Veracia for lying. It soon becomes clear that Gullibea has made a serious mistake and must live with the consequences.

CHARACTERS:

GULLIBEA, Princess of Turfus, 18 years old

VERACIA, her Lady-In-Waiting and confidante, 22 years old

PRINCE FINAGLEAS of Rhodes, Gullibea’s suitor, 40 years old

CHORUS OF LESSER PHILOSOPHERS, a minimum of two women dressed in gray, hooded robes and wearing silver masks. Their voices shouldn’t betray their gender.

SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

GULLIBEA
Pardon me, dear Prince, if I appear somewhat impertinent, but can you tell me more about the Battle of Atavia?

FINAGLEAS
Which battle was that?

GULLIBEA
The one from which you’ve just returned and brought me that dead thing as a present.

FINAGLEAS (Expansively.)
Well, it was like any other battle. We went in, chopped a few Atavians to pieces, raped their women, took their children for slaves, pillaged the village, and came right back.

GULLIBEA
But you said you spent a fortnight over there.

FINAGLEAS
Well, we had the obligatory victory parties, divided the territory and signed all these treaties with their neighbors. You know, the usual stuff to put things back in order after a slaughter.

GULLIBEA
So you really were there, bravely risking all in a life-and-death struggle.

FINAGLEAS (Reaches for GULLIBEA’s hand.)
You bet your ponytail, sweetheart. Men were born to be heroes. How can you doubt me? Would I lie to such a pretty, silky, fragrant, (Brings HER hand to HIS lips) little paw?

GULLIBEA
Oh I knew you spoke the truth. They are all so evil.

FINAGLEAS
They are indeed. (Pause.) Who exactly are “they,” my dear Princess?

GULLIBEA
The woman in the marketplace and all the people around her. And, worst of all, my best friend Veracia. They’re all lying.

FINAGLEAS (Laughs.)
Is that why your little heart is in such turmoil? People lie all the time.

GULLIBEA (Startled.)
They do?

FINAGLEAS
Why, of course, my darling. They lie about their age, their position in society, money... They inflate their financial statements. The lies fly around us as thickly as feathers from a plucked chicken.

GULLIBEA
And you my dear Prince? Do you lie too?

FINAGLEAS
I tell only very small, insignificant little lies. Infinitesimal untruths... (Hastily.) But I would never lie to you.

GULLIBEA
Not even about your age?

FINAGLEAS
Not even about that.

GULLIBEA
So how old are you?

FINAGLEAS
Twenty five.

CHORUS
Liar!

FINAGLEAS
Maybe twenty six. I find keeping track of dates in B.C. so difficult, don’t you?

CHORUS
Liar!

GULLIBEA
Veracia said that an old woman from Rhodes brought news of your engagement to the Queen of Calamata. Is that true?

FINAGLEAS (Too defensively.)
Nonsense. Why should I tie myself down to that ugly old hag?

CHORUS
Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

GULLIBEA
So Veracia really is lying!? But why would she do that?

FINAGLEAS
Envy, I suppose; sheer envy, my sweetest Gullibea. She pretends to be your friend, but envy gnaws at her heart.

CHORUS
Can you believe this guy?

FINAGLEAS (Glances angrily at CHORUS.)
After all, she doesn’t have the undivided attention and undying affection of the Prince of Rhodes, does she?

GULLIBEA
No, I suppose not. Is envy bad?

FINAGLEAS
It’s a vice. That’s a punishable offense.

GULLIBEA
What else is a vice?

FINAGLEAS
Well, biting one’s fingernails, for instance.

CHORUS
Gluttony!

FINAGLEAS (Glances at CHORUS uncertainly.)
Or gluttony, maybe. It depends on what your definition of ‘gluttony’ is.

CHORUS
Greed!

FINAGLEAS
It is not! Greed is OK.

CHORUS
Lust!

FINAGLEAS (Looks at CHORUS angrily.)
No way! Keep it down, will you?

GULLIBEA
Pardon me, great Prince. Was I speaking too loudly?

FINAGLEAS
Oh no no no, my dearest one. Forgive me, please. It was the stage hands. I shouldn’t be talking to the stage hands. This is not Marxist theater, after all.

CHORUS
HEY! Who are you calling stagehands?

FINAGLEAS
So you would be...?

CHORUS
We are the Chorus of Lesser Philosophers.

FINAGLEAS
Pardon me, boys.

CHORUS
HEY! Who are you calling boy?