I AM MY OWN HORSE’S ASS
A mercifully short, one-horse show

SYNOPSIS:
In 1990, on the eastern side of the recently demolished Berlin Wall, an aspiring American playwright interviews a legendary horse fetishist who has secretly amassed a huge collection of stuffed wildlife under the noses of two totalitarian regimes. (Run time: 10 minutes)

CHARACTERS:

GERTRUDE VON BUTTBERG (as HERSELF) - a large, blonde “Nordic mare” type, about 65. Speaks teutonically tainted pidgin English and makes assorted equine sounds and gestures, as the occasion warrants.

GERTRUDE (as playwright BUD LITE) - a raccoon trapped in the body of a man. Speaks like Richard Simmons.

GERTRUDE (as playwright’s friend, JOE) - Speaks like John Wayne.

GERTRUDE (as BLUECHER) - GERTRUDE’s business partner and better half; a pushy, small-time antiques dealer.

GERTRUDE (as HER STASI HANDLER) - A mellifluous, but malevolent voice. German accent.

SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

GERTRUDE (as BUD LITE, dictating into tape recorder): Here I am in beautiful downtown East Germany. Ugh, what am I saying. There are towering cement Gulags everywhere. What’s a Gulag anyway, I wonder? And now here I am in the beautifully furnished reception hall of Gertrude von Buttberg’s museum. But everyone can see that. Here she comes now. I guess everybody can see that too, but I’ll describe it anyway. Oh, this is way better than I could ever imagine. She is resplendent in the hind half of a real Lipizzaner hide. And she’s got nothing on underneath - well as far as I can see. And - oh God - she’s even wearing horseshoes! Very stylish ones, too! (To GERTRUDE) I hope I’m not putting you out--

GERTRUDE (Breathily): I do not mind - even if you are “putting it in,” Herr Lite. (SHE quivers seductively; pawing the floor gently with one foot).

GERTRUDE (as BUD LITE): No, no, you don’t get it. I just want to write a play about you. Of course, I’ll need to tape every word you say, including “an,” “but,” and “the.”

GERTRUDE: I say “ein,” “aber,” und “der, die, das, “depending upon (Quivers) the sex of the noun.

GERTRUDE (as BUD LITE): I think you mean “gender.”

GERTRUDE: Whatever. Ride me until I drop, you foolish boy! (Snorts enthusiastically)

DISCLAIMER:
This is a work of fiction. Any perceived similarity to people, places, things or other works of fiction, living or dead, is purely coincidental, etc. etc.